I have an uber unique wedding planning experience, at least according to mainstream media. According to the telly, in order to properly plan a wedding, you definitely need your mom and a jillion girlfriends to cry over everything you do and ensure that you have emotional meltdowns at the appropriate milestones. Oh, by the way, these women are supposed to throw you several parties all aimed at reminding everyone that you are getting married before you actually get married.
Well, obviously, I don't have that. My mom practically lives on another planet along with my closest girlfriends. I also don't want to do anything with anyone anyways because there's such a feeling of competition and comparison between myself and brides of the past/future since I'm at the age where everyone around me is getting married.
Mainstream media gives me the impression that this time period in my life is supposed to be super emotional: sad, because no one understands me like myself; angry, because nothing is going my way; lovey-dovey, because my groom is (of course) super involved with planning and adding his unique touches everywhere throughout the planning process; special, because everyone cried when I tried on The Dress (which was brand new and cost about the same as a KIA); and connected to others, because, again, every female I know is totally involved in this process with me.
I'm not sure what I expected when I started planning, but maybe I'm just a robot. I don't think I've felt any emotion similar to any of that since getting engaged seven months ago. In fact, my planning experience is so different from what I feel other people are experiencing that I'm starting to think that something's wrong with me!
Proposal
Media: Total surprise, get ready for the water works
Real Life: I think we all know how that turned out.
The Dress
Media: Your mom bursts into tears, you start crying, everyone claps, you think you're going to stun the socks off of him when you walk down the aisle because you literally look like a model
Real Life: Found my dress on craigslist (too wide and covered with mildew), had alterations done with one friend at first fitting (laughter as I impressed the shop owners with my stand-up routine), every other fitting occurred in a woman's home, by myself (no tears). In fact, I don't even feel like I look like a different person in my gown. I look like me wearing something long and white. The gown is beautiful, I'm not so bad myself, but I don't feel like I've hit that magical equation marketed in "Say Yes to the Dress"... OR that equation doesn't exist. Skyped my gown with my parents and my dad did stop talking for maybe two minutes so perhaps that's the equivalent of a roomful of women bursting into tears.
The Budget
Media: Your family is footing the bill so you can be a total Bitch (oops, Bridezilla) to everyone because you have no boundaries, similar to a small child throwing a tantrum because secretly that small child needs more structure. Also, you feel free to include tons of unnecessary items into your wedding simply because you can pay for it, including diamonds on the BOTTOM of your shoes or iPads for all the women you know.
Real Life: Your family is able to help you a little but the rest is on your own. Good luck. Oh, by the way, if you don't have an open bar, you're considered cheap and miserly, and if you do have an open bar, you're considered less mature because you obviously still rely on alcohol for your kicks. P.S. Things you never thought you would have to buy, you are now paying for in order for your big day to look like the big day you saw on TV.
The Groom
Media: He wants a say in everything, and in some cases even spearheads ideas and projects on his own. He is soooo romantic and is willing to hold you when you cry over the stress of how to get all your projects done in time, and sometimes will do little things like bring you a rose to remind you of the first time you locked eyes in that crowded night club all those years ago...
Real Life: If it even smells like I'm going to say something wedding related, he does the equivalent of putting his fingers in his ears and singing "lalalalalalala". Also he hates tears. They are weakness embodified.
The Invitations
Media: These little bundles of joy typically cost $400 and include everything. Literally everything. There's the invite itself, sometimes a map, an RSVP postcard, a card telling you where the reception is, a card for your wedding website, a photo of the happy couple, not to mention all the postage to send these care packages out.
Real Life: Me. Scoring Board. Paper Cutter. Computer. Printer. Crank Embosser.
The Cake
Media: Several tiers of fluffy yumminess, covered with wispy cream and intricate designs, towered by a giant initial made of diamonds.
Real Life: Cupcakes. Several flavors of cupcakes because I like carrot cake AND snickerdoodles, dammit!
Favors
Media: Personalized candies, a CD of all our favorite hits, a CD of all of our favorite photos, a pie-in-a-jar.
Real Life: Me. Scoring Board. Paper Cutter. Little Pots. Little Seeds.
Engagement Party/Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party
Media: Your parents and their friends get together to toast your engagement, your mom and her friends get together for the bridal shower to give you marriage and sex advice, and you and your friends get together to have one last huge party before you're locked down for life.
Real Life: Since my parents don't live here, there goes two out of three opportunities for a get together. As for the bachelorette party, I can't imagine what would make it different from any other time I go dancing, except I get to wear a giant penis on my head, or perhaps a penis suit, while I drink from my penis straw, playing a scavenger hunt game whose sole purpose is to get me to see men's penises. Besides, since when does getting married mean you can't go out with your girls every now and then? What am I, chattel? I can't even cook that well!
I literally could go on and on, but I have to head to WalMart to buy things for the Olympics Opening Ceremonies. Long story short, in my experience, wedding planning is not that magical period of time where you feel totally in love and are progressively building a little life together. I feel in love, I feel progressive, I feel like we're building a life together (I almost wrote literally, but I don't want you to think I'm pregnant, so I'll just be more clear... a house), but I don't feel like getting married is the priority I always thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, I definitely spend a lot of time thinking about it and preparing for it, but that's mostly because I'm doing a lot of DIY projects and am trying to save money so I can buy more important things like a hot water heater or a couch or (gasp!) a new[er] car.
Am I a robot?
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